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Crap My Mom Sends Me

"mother isn't quite herself today"

Calling Dr. Mom…

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When it comes to my being sick when I was a kid…my mom always took very good care of me!  Even when she knew I was faking it!  Well…except for that one time…

But here is the thing about my Mom….she is smarter than any Doctor I have ever been to in my life.  I can call her and tell her my symptoms over the phone…and immediately she knows that all I have is a hangnail….or I stubbed my toe!

But recently…I have actually been really sick.  Flu kinda sick.  And you know…you never really know if you have the flu or if you have a really bad cold.  So…thanks to my Mom…and her ability to search the internet….I have more definite answers.  Here we go:

12 Signs Your Common Cold Could Be Something Way Worse

  1. It’s not the usual symptoms
  2. Your whole body aches
  3. Your throat is on fire
  4. Suddenly, one ear is in pain
  5. Your cold won’t go away
  6. Your cough can’t quit you
  7. You’re throwing up
  8. You have bloody diarrhea
  9. You’re wheezing and short of breath
  10. You always get sick right about now
  11. You’re having a heck of a time breathing
  12. The cough is deep in your chest
  13. Your colds are predictable

Now…I am just throwing this out here…but if one of your symptoms is that you can’t count…what does that mean???

Anyway….If a usual symptom is bloody diarrhea and you are breathing fire…..I am thinking a trip to an ER or Exorcist is needed.

If you are having a hard time breathing…make sure it’s just because your wife doesn’t have a pillow over your face.

But most of the other symptoms seem to fit…so….I am thinking I am sicker than normal. So…guess I should get off of here and take some meds…prescribed by Doctor Mom!

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Make A Horse With An Orange Peel…

Horse Orange

I love my Mom….I really do….but sometimes I think she is secretly trying to kill me.

So I get this email the other day simply called: How to make a horse with an orange peel

The contents of said email was a link to a You-Tube video, which I am posting for your enjoyment and delight.

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO

Now…My Mom knows that I have oranges at my house.  My Mom also knows that I have knives.  My Mom also knows that I tend to be curious about things…and tend to want to try things out when I see them done online.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY…WHO DOESN’T?

But Mother (notice how I changed it to mother??) also knows that I have Menieres Disease which causes people to have bouts of Vertigo.

SO….Lets recap…ORANGE…KNIFE…CUTTING…VERTIGO….

I GIVE YOU….

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Just kidding…I didn’t really try.  Not my hand.

Probably the hand of some other idiot that tried to duplicate a video they saw online though!  LOL

If you want to try to make your own ORANGE HORSE….My recommendation is to draw one with one of these…

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The Baby Is Crying Again…

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This time…mom sent me an interesting fact.

One that I actually had to research because it fascinated me.

Here is what she sent:

FACT: Newborn Babies Cannot Cry Tears For At Least 3 Weeks

Here is the research that I found:

Is it normal for my baby to cry without tears?

In most cases, yes. Babies’ tear ducts are still developing after birth, and it’s normal for them not to shed tears for the first few months, says pediatrician Tanya Remer Altmann, editor of The Wonder Years: Helping Your Baby and Young Child Successfully Negotiate the Major Developmental Milestones.

Most babies start crying tears around 2 weeks of age, but some can take longer. “Usually by the 2-month checkup, they’re there,” says Altmann.

Some newborns develop clogged tear ducts, which means they can make tears but the tears aren’t draining properly. Accumulated tears can create a gooey yellow discharge, which your child’s doctor may treat with drops or an ointment. The doctor will also instruct you how to clean your baby’s eyes and massage the tear duct, if necessary.

 

LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY!!!

 

What is wrong with people??

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I know this is not my typical kind of post on here…but I just had to post it.

WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS?  Even if this turns out to NOT be true….something happened.  Something to provoke this enough to make the news.  That is what is wrong with this world.  This. Sort. Of. Crap.

Here is the article:

*Six Miami Fire and Rescue firefighters are now unemployed after a noose was placed over a photo belonging to an African-American colleague.

Although the city wouldn’t say exactly what happened beyond calling it “sexually explicit and racially offensive conduct,” the Miami Herald — citing sources — said the noose was created out of twine and placed over a black lieutenant’s family photo.

Several colleagues also drew a penis and other lewd images on several photos, including one of his wife, and one of his children and their grandmother, the newspaper said.

The city said the fire chief learned of the incident on September 9 and suspended 11 firefighters with pay. Ultimately six of them were fired on Wednesday, but the investigation is ongoing into lesser involvement by others who were at the station, and the findings could lead to suspensions or demotions,” the statement said.

“City of Miami Fire Rescue is an ethnically and racially diverse department and one of the best in the country,” City Manager Daniel Alfonso said. “We cannot and will not tolerate behavior that is disrespectful, hurtful and compromises the integrity of the department and the City of Miami.”

Miami officials have scheduled a news conference Friday morning to discuss the investigation.

The fired firefighters were identified as Cpt. William Bryson, Lt. Alejandro Sese, Kevin Meizoso, Justin Rumbaugh, David Rivera and Harold SantanaNBC 6 in Miami is reporting that all six firefighters are denying the allegations.

A Cat Maze*

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The title of this entry is called “A Cat Maze” – and for those of you that noticed…I put an * next to the title.  There is a reason for this.

The asterisk is used to call out a footnote, especially when there is only one on the page.

My footnote for this title is that I am also calling this entry “Why This Man Will Never Have a Girlfriend or Wife”

With that all aside…what he does do for his cats…his quite elaborate…and a-MAZE-ing!

A Cat Maze

And if you are a cat lover…totally worth the 2:09 minutes of your life!

If you do not like cats…you may enjoy this guys take on why he hates cats:

I HATE CATS

 

The Best Of Mitch Hedberg…

Mitch Hedberg

I have no idea why I had never heard of Mitch before my mom sent me the following link to a video of some of his earlier stand up….

OMG…he was freaking hilarious!!!

Unfortunately….The world lost a great comedic mind when he left us at an early age in 2005.

Click Here To Watch Some FUNNY S**T!!

RIP Mitch!!

INSECT PIZZA – WTF??

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When my mom sent me an email with a list of State Fair Foods….

And the ones that you should try and the ones to avoid….

I was not expecting INSECT PIZZA TO BE ON EITHER LIST!!!!

Here is what the Indianapolis Star said about it:

“Insect pizza: Great Instagram photo op, but have a ton of cold root beer ready to wash down this one. The crickets, scorpions and mealworms lack flavor, but all those little legs and wings and thoughts of things will stay with you for hours. Pro tip: The fried mealworms are easier to eat. No legs to get struck between your teeth. The pizza underneath is not bad, thick and bready. Look for Swain’s Fine Foods pizza shop near the 38th Street gate.”

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no photo op here!

There is no washing this s**t down here!

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!???

On a side note…the Deep Fried PB & J looks and sounds AWESOME!

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The Straightest Gay Bodyguard Ever!

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Long ago…before he was famous….Eric Stonestreet revealed on Saturday, July 29, that he once worked as a security guard for a Garth Brooks concert 22 years ago.

The Modern Family actor, 45, shared an Instagram slideshow of himself protecting the country superstar, now 55, at a show. In the first throwback photo, Stonestreet stands below the stage as Brooks interacts with fans. The singer signed the photo, writing, “Eric, Love you pal.”

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In a second photo, Stonestreet looks serious while guarding Brooks as the musician performs a song on his guitar. The “Friends in Low Places” crooner wrote on the snap in a silver pen: “Here’s to circles.”

The Bad Teacher actor reminisced about his pre-fame job, captioning the pic, “In 1995 I worked security for A (ONE) Garth Brooks concert in Manhattan Ks. Last night I finally got to say you’re welcome for keeping him safe that night and basically giving him the wonderful career he’s had thus far. Thank you Garth for the amazing night I had with my #crew slash #squad #circles.”

The two stars reunited backstage at Brooks’ show at The Forum in Los Angeles and posed for a photo together.

Crying About The Big Bang…

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My wife and I both are cry babies when it comes to a lot of movies, TV shows, songs, etc. We admit it…we own it….we are ok with it.

But usually….we don’t cry during comedies.  It just doesn’t typically happen! But then there are those moments…when the writers tug at our heart strings…and do things that make tears well  up in our eyes!

Little did we know…that even the actors have this happen.  At least…not until Mom sent me the following article:

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Grab the tissues! The Big Bang Theory cast revealed that they got emotional on set during Sheldon’s proposal to Amy in the season 10 finale, which aired in May.

During the show’s Comic-Con panel in San Diego on Friday, July 21, the stars discussed the mood on set before the big moment between Sheldon and Amy. “I take Polaroids on set, so we must have — what do you think? — hundreds of Polaroids at this point that are all up on our little wall of shame in the wardrobe room, so I obviously I went up to get my camera for this moment,” Kaley Cuoco (who plays Penny) said. “I knew we were gonna do it and I had to get the photograph on my Polaroid, and I came down and basically everyone and everyone’s mother and friend was behind the camera for this one scene even though we all knew what was gonna happen, but I started crying!”

Kunal Nayyar (Raj Koothrappali) chimed in, “We were all crying. We were all crying.” Johnny Galecki (Leonard Hofstadter) added, “I came as close to crying as is possible for me.”

Cuoco, 31, said it was amazing to see how much their characters have grown since the CBS series premiered in 2007. “You see so many years and so many relationships have transformed and to see that be the pinnacle of the season, it was just really cool and we’ve all just come a long way,” she said. “We were all kind of crying.”

The group also discussed their favorite Comic-Con memories after a decade of participating in the annual event. Showrunner Steve Molaro recalled interrupting an emotional moment between Cuoco and Galecki, 42, who secretly dated for two years in the show’s early seasons.

“It was our first year here, it was ten years ago and it was 1:30 in the morning and I was going past the hotel bar and I saw my co-workers, Kaley Cuoco and Johnny Galecki,” Molaro said. “I thought, ‘Hey, I’m gonna go hang out with them.’ I didn’t know a) They were secretly dating and b) They were right in the middle of a fight, so I walked up and I could see she’s about to cry and I’m like, ‘I’m gonna go.’ And [Kaley’s like], ‘No, it’s fine! No, stay!’”

Cuoco joked that the awkward encounter brought them closer. “I think it was a great bonding moment. I come to you now for all my relationship problems ever since that day. I don’t remember what we were fighting about,” she said. “I forced you to stay, for sure. It’s a good memory though, isn’t it?”

Earlier this year, the show was renewed for two more seasons, which will take the show through season 12.

 

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